The Devil's Dictionary
Pierce
Tariff, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his sonsumer. (consumer)
The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereighn Southern State.
"It were no more than right," said he,
"That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize--
Whereby my broilers, (brothers) every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have?--although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises that they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to bawl
Against her competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with her, tete-a-tete
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A title of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-presbyterean,
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
Edam Smith
Nov.2011
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